i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
