Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just googled if crying burns calories
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
