I just threw up on my dentist
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
