peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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