he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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