That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
