I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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