I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
