you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
