can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
