then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I need moral support for this bender
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
