It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
