My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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