just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I can't turn off my feet"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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