I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
