the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
