What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
