In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
