Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
