Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
