Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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