I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
