After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
