Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
