it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
