bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
