Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
