My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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