I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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