Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
