I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
