Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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