I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
