Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
