I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
