Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
