the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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