Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this will be a night to untag.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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