Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
