Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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