there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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