I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
