Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
