2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Floor bacon is actually really good
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
