You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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