When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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