oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
