Don't make out with my wife yet
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
