then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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