Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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