I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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