New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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