Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
