It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
