Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
